My Little Media Business Blog

Let’s Face It:  The only thing worse than a deplorable is a libtard.  These libtard creatures live in an auto-reinforcing bubble of self-indulgence through some bizarre “socialist” philosophy resulting in foolish governance codifications of notions like respect, consideration and equality for the good of “all”, whoever they might be.

Obviously, this is best to be avoided.

While full-blown libtards are easy to spot, often engaged in drum circles or protesting a pipeline somewhere, it is the half-libtard that often poses the greatest threat, especially when they collect in large numbers, such as during elections or Dave Matthews concerts.

What’s more, libtard conversion efforts are continuously underway via a devious propaganda campaign spearheaded by the “Mainstream Media”,  an entity loosely defined as everything but the top-rated news channel in the country.  Obviously, the need to detect conversion to libtard-ism has never been greater.

So, as a public service, we over here at the Little Media Business went back to the Facebook and re-friended all those people (except one cousin) that annoyed the crap out of us during the 2016 election.  Then, by carefully analyzing their Facebook feed data through advanced neural networks, we cross-correlated it against a random sample of newsworthy events, determining the most likely triggers of acute libtard-ism.

You’re welcome.

We’ve boiled it all up into a simple test you can, and should, take at home.  If you find symptoms of libtard-ism as a result of these tests, immediately dig deeper, like a bad root canal, to find the cause.  Procrastination will only end up hurting yourself.

Finally, remember, there’s nothing worse than a deplorable libtard…as you’re being evaluated against:

The Top Ten Signs You Might be a Libtard.

10.  You want smaller government, but you like that some roads are called “Freeways”.

09.  You can’t quite settle on the proper order for “Guns, God & Country”.

08.  You realize that “Repealing Obamacare” means your mere existence is a pre-existing condition.

07.  You sort of notice there’s “something up” with the weather.

06.  You secretly get the vaccinations you won’t let your kids have.

05.  Three words, True or False: “Melania’s getting pudgy”.

04.  You harbor a sneaking suspicion that maybe somewhere, somehow, there is something that is not a Clinton’s or an Obama’s fault.

03.  You find yourself with a mild dislike for Russians.

02.  The notion that it makes sense to do what other advanced countries did because it makes sense is starting to make sense.

And the number one way to tell if you might be a libtard:

01.  You read this far.

Let’s Face it: “Experts” say it’s impossible to rig a U.S. Presidential election, without giving much thought as to how you could actually do it.  Forget dead voters, immigrant busloads and media slamming; there’s a simpler and much more effective method to rig a U.S. Presidential contest.  Best of all, there’s a snowball effect once you get it rolling.

Here at the Little Media Business, we noticed something about the Trump vs. Clinton battle that reminded us of our own competitive strategy, namely not so much improving our image as counting on our competition to further denigrate theirs. The trick is not being great at what you do so much as making sure your rival is truly horrible at it. In this regard, Hillary could not have hand-picked a better Chump than Trump.  Obviously, getting Trump the nomination was the ultimate conspiracy.  But, one question nagged us: How did she do it?  How did Hillary make Trump her bitch?

It seemed a question worth answering; after all, the future of the Free World and much of the Expensive World hung in the balance.  Not that we think our findings could change the election outcome – quite the contrary.  But, we’d like to help know that the smartest person ended up in the White House.

So, as a public service, we asked an intern to spend 15 minutes on Google to “prove” our conspiracy contention with “facts”, such as they present themselves in the mess of media that American voters, alive and dead, call home.  We call this “Investigative Journalism”.  Oddly enough, it only took her 10 – maybe because she wasn’t getting paid.

Prepare yourself for the analysis that Big Media was afraid to reveal because…well, because it makes too much sense.  And, making sense out of this election is the last thing any politician wants, or anyone could even possibly do, until now.

You’re welcome.

Remember, it’s a massive conspiracy, involving the Clintons, the Trilateral Commission, Standard Oil, the Rockefellers, Miss Universe, Fox News, The Rolling Stones and now the Trumps…and you asked for it, as we reveal:

The Top Ten “Facts” that “Prove” Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton’s Bitch:

10. Who Else?

Clearly the least qualified guy on the podium during primary debates where the snoozy old doctor sounded more credible, Trump was early on the best choice to be Hillary’s Bitch. His snootful of unsavory behavior tracking back decades was a significant plus.  Massive conspiracy requires perfectly interlocking parts and Trump + Politics was a match made in Democrat heaven.

Fact Check: Google “Trump’s snootful of unsavory behavior”.

Result: 394 results, including conspiracy site claiming the Virgin Mary was 420-friendly.

Conclusion: Mostly True.

09. Bill Clinton and Sex.

We all know that among modern sitting presidents, Bill Clinton was the only one with an intern kneeling under the desk.  If there was one thing the Hillary campaign needed more than anything, it was a rival whose sexual history was actually more scandalous than Bill’s. It’s perfectly obvious that any other Republican could have ridden into the White House, cowgirl style, on that issue alone.  True conspiracy theorists understand that while sex can get you into trouble, somebody else’s sex can get you out of it.

Fact Check: Google “Bigger Horndog: Bubba or Trump”

Result: 3,480 results, including…

this:

08. Report: Bill Clinton called Trump ahead of campaign launch.

That’s right.  Proving once again that he’s the smartest guy in the room, allegedly Bill Clinton called Trump and said whatever you say to a guy like that to get him to annihilate the Republican Party.  No, we don’t know what Bill told Trump; if we did we’d likely be packing our bags for a stay at 1600 Pennsylvania instead of Bubba packing his.  But it’s okay, we just want to see the smartest person in the White House – even if they’re not the President.

Fact Check: Google “Bill Clinton called Trump”

Result: 59,900,000 results including “Bill Clinton denies calling up Trump and asking him to run”…like we’re gonna believe that.

Conclusion: 59,900,000 is more than the votes that will be cast for either candidate – Definitely True.

07. Trump is broke.

This part of the conspiracy was created by Trump himself, by not releasing his tax returns and by asking for money…hello, we thought you were the rich guy who didn’t owe anybody because he didn’t take a dime from them.  Although broke in the Trump world is not like broke in the real world (it’s bankrupting some casinos versus having the gas turned off) it would be handy to have some friendly bankers and hey, that Hillary lady seems to get along with them just fine.  The conspiracy deepens when you consider a sub-level where Hillary promises Trump financial contacts in exchange for him “Just being Donald”.

Fact Check: Google “Do Hillary banks loan Donald money?”

Result: 15,200,000 results, including “Bernie Sanders: I Don’t Take Money From Big Banks”…How did this guy get in there?

Conclusion: Bernie Sanders really doesn’t take money from Big Banks – Definitely True.

06. Trump is bad beyond belief.

Great conspiracies are both obvious and incomprehensible at the same time.  Like the Kennedy assassination, the Trump campaign has lots of witnesses but no real explanation. It’s a race to the bottom for its own sake, which of course makes no sense which, in the world of conspiracies, means there is another explanation.  We call it the “Bitcher Movement”.

Fact Check: Google “has Trump hit rock bottom?”

Result: 6,980,000 results, including “Trump = Mussolini; Cruz = Lucifer. I think we’ve hit rock bottom”…maybe the Republicans made the right choice after all.

Conclusion: Wait and see.

05. Trump would deny it.

This is a tricky one to fact check, because apparently no one has asked Trump if he is indeed Hillary’s bitch. However, the lack of a direct answer plays right into the conspiracy theory as not only would Trump deny it, but so would all of his supporters…providing perfect cover for the plot.  Too brilliant to comprehend and too perfect to be false, plausible deniability never sounded more plausible.

Fact Check: Google “Trump says he’s not Hillary’s bitch”

Result: 12,000,000 results including “Donald Trump Bombshell: Ted Cruz’s Wife Former Call Girl”

Conclusion: Lyin’ Ted Cruz says she’s not a former call girl – Definitely True.

04. “Trump that Bitch” T-Shirts

All great conspiracies have a slip-up that almost unravels the whole thing and in this case it was the “Trump that Bitch” T-Shirts that nearly gave away the scheme.  As the story goes, the shirts were originally thought up by Bill Clinton as a joke, fortunately a punctuation error by some zero-college Trump supporter resulted in no “Trump, that Bitch” T-shirts ever seeing the light of day.

Fact Check: Google “Trump, that Bitch”

Result: 10,400,000 results, zero commas

Conclusion:  Definitely True.

03. Trump’s Kids

Hillary was on point when she said her favorite thing about Trump was his children. Besides side-stepping the need to say anything remotely good about Trump, in that moment, in front of the whole country, Hillary lured the kids unwittingly into the massive conspiracy.  In the Trump family, like many, the adult kids are the voice of reason when Pop goes a little off the rails. But, nobody’s electing the kids – in fact, they’ll be too busy running the company to talk dad’s finger off the nuclear trigger…so somebody has to keep him in check.  That will be Hillary.

Fact Check: Google “Who treats interns better – Ivanka Trump or Bill Clinton?”

Result: 714,000 results, including “Bill Clinton still gets twenty year old interns to massage his feet” and “Ivanka Trump does not pay her interns”.

Conclusion: Ivanka Trump part of conspiracy.

02. Trump loves Hillary

Trump never sounds crazier than when you compare the 2008 version to the 2016 model. In 2008, Trump was in love with Hillary Clinton, calling her “a great senator” and “a great wife to a president”. It’s like he stood in front of the mouse trap and asked “you need somebody to test this?”. Trump turns out to be the perfect candidate – if you’re running against him. The tough question for the Clinton machine is now: “Who do we put up against Hillary in 2020?”

Fact Check:  Google “Donald Trump loves Hillary Clinton”

Result: 98,700,000 results, including: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5A02pNcGHs

Conclusion: Wow.

And, finally, the #1 “Fact” that “Proves” Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton’s Bitch:

01. Trump lost. Didn’t he?

Fact Check: Google “did donald trump win the presidency?”

Result: 91,600,00 results including: “http://us.blastingnews.com/news/2016/11/monkey-predicts-donald-trump-wins-presidential-election-how-apropos-001235465.html”

Conclusion: Everybody go vote. In the Primaries next time.

Let’s face it:  The Sony Pictures hackers don’t know jack about show business.  Lesson 1 is pretty simple: Entertainment is anything people pay attention to…and Professional Entertainment is attention “monetized” for fun and profit.   With the announcement today that “The Interview” will indeed open on Christmas Day, Sony apparently realized that the hackers deftly handled the “attention” part for them.  Now, Sony will be happy to take on the “monetize” part.

Of course, we here at the Little Media Business believe in freedom of speech, especially when there is a buck in it.   We salute the visionary filmmakers and distributors who took an absolutely absurd concept and turned it not just into a sure-fire moneymaker, but a groundbreaking film that nearly lured humanity into a Three-Stooges version of Armageddon.  It’s the ultimate marketing coup.

So, as a public service, we looked up a few answers in the back of the sociology textbook and realized that it was only a matter of time before everybody sees this movie, no matter how bad it might be.   Mostly however, we smell a Hollywood copycat trend we want to get in front of, since we could probably make a pretty bad movie ourselves…but how do we get our emails reviewed in the New York Times?

As you plan your Christmas outing, remember, there are no martyrs at the box office when you commit to:

The Top Ten Reasons Why Everybody Will Eventually See “The Interview”

10. Really cool scene where a world leader’s head explodes, except it really doesn’t because it’s just a stupid movie, remember?

09. Already seen the all the movies on bitTorrent.

08. Suspect there are more hacked emails – can’t wait to see what Amy Pascal said about George Bush.

07. Always a sucker for those cliff-hanger endings.

06. Will be shown in schools as part of a lesson titled “Kids, please don’t do anything this stupid”.

05. Two Words: “Rated R”.

04.  Our Freedom is at stake, not to mention twenty bucks.

03.  If we don’t, the terrorists win…and maybe get an Oscar.

02.  Best way to prepare for “The Interview II”.

And the Number One Reason Why  Everybody Will Eventually See “The Interview”:

01.  Because they can.

Let’s Face It:  Creed’s lead singer, Scott Stapp, made headlines this Thanksgiving by blaming President Obama for his IRS-induced penniless woes, rather than acknowleging that he may have gotten some poor tax advice (like, “don’t pay any”).   Stapp appears to believe that President Obama has some sort of authority over the IRS, confirming that singer has completely lost his mind.

But, headlines are headlines and Stapp’s story confirms that the Obama presidency has officially jumped the shark, meaning it’s time to play the Executive Office Blame Game.  It will be difficult to top blaming George W. for the Great Recession – as opposed to greedy homeowners and bankers along with that Clinton dude for relaxing bank regulations – but it is simply our patriotic duty, as Americans, to induce whiplash into our governing
processes yet again.

So, as a public service, we sent a text to our entire editorial team – who were in line for Black Friday Sales – asking them for one good reason why President Obama should be blamed for our Little Media Businesses’ financial performance (or lack thereof).  Sadly, we got zero good reasons, but sometimes a bad reason will generate even more headlines than a good one – just ask Scott Stapp.  So, these faux rationale are being made available for all to share, in the spirit of giving thanks that we have someone important to blame for our troubles.

Remember, one to a customer in this Black Saturday Salute to:

The Top Ten Reasons Everybody Should Blame Obama For Everything:

10.  He’s the President, right?  Didn’t we elect him to be in charge of
everything?

9.   He promised me a lot of hope – but I didn’t get any.

8.   Bill Cosby voted for him – twice probably.

7.   I’ve heard his shorts poke out from behind his trousers – which is why
you never see him photographed from the back.

6.   Everything was fine until he showed up – except the economy, the war
and oil prices.

5.   Two Words: Hunter Biden.

4.   He wasn’t even born here, unless you consider Hawaii a state.

3.   He never calls, he never writes – you practically have to jump the
fence to talk to him.

2.   He wasn’t like this in High School.

And the Number One Reason Everybody Should Blame Obama For Everything:

1.   It keeps us from blaming ourselves.

Let’s Face it:  Americans are great at making a buck out of
holidays while keeping our sentimentality intact.  Americans are
also great at cross-marketing, turning the holiday season into one
long consumptive event that we nicknamed Hallowthanksmas.  But, all these attributes combine in what might be our boldest holiday move yet, the cultural innovation known as Black Friday.

Literally a pure celebration of indulgent capitalism, Black
Friday’s true innovation, besides being a retailer’s paradise, is
its ability to evolve, an evolution driven by a insatiatable need
to offer the “Best Deal Ever”.  Black Friday has a refreshing “No
Holds Barred” approach when it comes to selling and encourages the
same in buying.  It’s like the running of the bulls, only with cash
registers.

Like any invasive species, Black Friday has started to infiltrate
borders, infecting its sacred American holiday neighbor known
as Thanksgiving.  Traditionally, Thanksgiving is all about
reflection, overeating and preparing for holiday shopping by
watching the Macy’s parade and some NFL.  Not shopping.  As usual
however, evolution wins and retailers everywhere this year had to
figure out how to convince their employees to show up for work on
Thanksgiving, some happily, others not.

So, as a public service, we wanted to help those not happy
employees by developing some motivational enhancements to a same
old Thursday at the store, except with riots in the aisles.
Unfortunately, we outsourced the work, and after some test runs we
can only humbly offer on this Thanksgiving a list of things not to
try.  We think there was a cultural disconnect or perhaps a
misunderstanding of the requirements with the offshore group we
used, but they did give us a great price…

Anyway, if failure is instructive, then welcome to Harvard when you
reflect on:

The Top Ten Worst Ways to Motivate Thanksgiving Day Employees

10.  Sponsor “At Least It’s Not Easter” stuffed bunny giveaway.

09.  Stage mini-replica of Macy’s Day parade in parking lot,
featuring inflatable “Black Friday Protester” floats.

08.   Free donuts from 4:30 AM to 5:00 AM.

07.   Hold “Turkey Trot” contest with special certificate for most
bowlegged employee.

06.   Blame it all on the shoppers.

05.   Five Words: “Show up or you’re fired.”

04.   Play heartwarming video clips of Black Fridays past.

03.   Refer to Thanksgiving as “Black Friday Eve”.

02.   Encourage extended family time by sponsoring “Bring Your Mother-In-Law to Work” day.

And the number one worst way to motivate Thanksgiving Day Employees:

01.   Don’t say “Thanks”.

The Top Ten Worst Broadcast Technology Trends

Let’s Face It: Technology exists to serve the needs of mankind, except when placed in the hands of a savvy marketing professional.  Then, a Faustian bargain ensues, delivering to the unwary consumer something commonly referred to as “innovation”, which in actuality is uaually just the same old pig in a new blanket, ready to process our credit card.   Oddly enough, we humans fall for this trick time and time again.

This time of year, it is the Broadcast industry’s turn at the trough, exemplified by a mega-event called the International Broadcasters Conference.   For this event, technically minded broadcast professionals show up in Amsterdam from all over the world to sell each other…essentially the same thing, which is television.

So, as a public service, we set sail across the gargantuan IBC exhibit show floor to document the truly unique broadcast technology trends that will soon be lighting up living rooms across the globe.  To our surprise, we found not one, but 10 technical trends that will make  television of the future different from television of the past…but sadly, not in a good way.  It was certainly enough to make us crave a few “I Love Lucy” reruns.

As Bruce’s grandmother always said, never try to sell what you can’t give away when you consider:

The Top Ten Worst Broadcast Technology Trends:

10.  8k – First it was HD, then 3D, and now 4K-UltraHD.  Looking beyond the hype, innovative marketers are already predicting the rise of Ultra-SuperDuper-HD, or as the engineers like to call it: “8K” (no, the K does not stand for “Krap”).  Featuring Televisions large enough to move your family into, 8K produces such a crystal clear picture that the human eye cannot detect a difference, making 8K the ultimate extravagance…until 16K is available, that is.

9.  Personalized Product Placement – “Dude, Rachael was holding a Coke”…”No Dude, it was a Pepsi”…”No, Dude, a Coke”…life can’t get much better.

8.  Video walls – Try as they might, engineers have yet to come up with a video wall more aesthetically pleasing than the humble window.  Video Walls do, however, work well in some environments, for example maximum-security prisons.

7.  The “Second-Screen Experience” – It’s like “Watch me over here…No Me Over Here…Now Me Over Here…”.  Whiplash never looked so good.

6. Super-Slow motion – IIIII ggggoootttt iiiitttt tttthhhheeee ffffiiiirrrrsssstttt ttttiiiimmmmeeee tttthhhhaaaannnnkkkkk yyyyoooouuuu.

5. Socially Networked Media – The more I learn about your entertainment choices, the more I want to refer you to qualified mental health professionals.

4. TV Everywhere – TV Everywhere is a deceptively simple concept: it is the same old television, but everywhere.  No escape.   As TV Everywhere technology advances, pundits are predicting you will soon find it between your toes.

3. Embedded Advertising – The line between entertainment and marketing continues to blur and our ability to distinguish one from the other inexorably diminishes.  The ultimate goal?  Meaningful marketing messages pleasantly burned into your retina.

2. Flying Video Drones – If one invades my airspace, do I have the right to shoot it down?

And the Number One Worst Broadcast Technology Trend:

1. Talent-Free Television.

Let’s Face It: My Merriam-Webster defines “Terror” as “a state of intense fear”, which, in the light of the NSA Prism spying program disclosures, pretty much describes how many Americans regard their government right about now.   Like that other unending “War on a Noun”, the “War on Terror” suffers from two big problems: How do you know who you’re fighting and how do you know when you’ve won?  Fortunately, the U.S. Government has decided for us that the War on Terror is fighting “Them”,  as in “Them who create a state of intense fear”,  and the war will be won as soon as “They” lose – but the good folks at the NSA, the Justice Department, Congress and the White House just forgot to tell the citizens.   So, the government is gathering all our digital bread crumbs, just in case “You” become a “Them”.  It can happen, apparently…

Normally, we would recommend the information security rule of thumb: Tell nothing to the government that you wouldn’t tell your mother, but in this case the benefits of capturing every minute detail of our digital lives is…after all, everyone in the government is honest, right? Especially those nice IRS people.

Love it or Loath it, one thing is clear: The NSA Prism program is suffering from a P.R. problem.  Even its staunchest supporters are having difficulty explaining why your American Idol vote is a matter of National Security.  So, as a public service, we convened a Google Hangout with some of the greatest minds in marketing to help “sell” the concept of universal eavesdropping. Unfortunately, our network connection kept dropping out…a communist plot, we are certain…and all we could get was:

The Top Ten Reasons That the NSA’s Prism Data Collection on American Citizens is a “Good Thing”

10. Retrieval of lost phone numbers only a Freedom of Information Act request away.

09. Handy redefinition of “Spying” excludes any clandestine activities applied to everybody unilaterally.

08. Now absolutely clear that Dianne Feinstein does not understand the meaning of the word “metadata”.

07. Wacky Congressional Hearings certain to show up just in time to displace summer re-runs.

06. New government program to help you pick the best cell/data plan.*

05. Three Words: George W. Obama.**

04. Indefinite delay in secret plans to launch www.DialaSubversive.com.

03. Finally, something that gets people off Facebook.

02. Prism program definitively solves the George W. Bush “You either wit us or agin us” paradox.

and the Number One reason that the NSA’s Prism Data Collection on American Citizens is a “Good Thing”:

01. It woke us up.
*Official Source: http://www.codeproject.com/script/Mailouts/View.aspx?mlid=10226&_z=6417603

**Official Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jun/07/obama-apple-google-facebook-tainted-prism

Let’s Face it:  Lance Armstrong rides a bicycle, along with 6-year-olds and the entire population of Holland. The sad truth is that a lot of people don’t care whether whether he rides one faster than anyone else, including Oprah, whom we suspect (and hope) doesn’t own a single pair of lycra shorts. Despite the mediocrity of this trivia, we live in a celebrity avalanche and anyone who didn’t already believe Armstrong doped before his Oprah confession was, well, a dope.

Still, everyone loves a good soul-cleansing confession, especially advertisers. Since Oprah can use every advertiser she can OWN, we expect Oprah’s “Confessions Of The Obvious” trend to continue providing those “I told you so” moments we all enjoy.

So, as a purely guilty pleasure, we cracked Oprah’s iPhone and found, after sorting through a couple hundred calorie-counter applications, a top-secret list of the “gets” that were considered before Lance Armstrong, but initially rejected as being a little too obvious. Fortunately, PT Barnum was right and after Armstrong, nothing can be considered too obvious. So, treat the list below as a menu of possible coming attractions and consider carefully which to avoid.

Remember, the truth will set you free from Dr. Phil, as you reflect on:

The Top Ten Other Oprah Confessions

10. Steve Ballmer (CEO Microsoft) – “Windows 8?  I can’t use it either”.

09. Jodie Foster (Confessional Professional) – “I can’t just stick to business.”

08. Sharon Osbourne (Wife) – “Ozzy? Cute, in a pathetic kind of way. Not that bright, really.”

07. Tim Cook (CEO Apple) – “Foxconn is not exactly Disneyland.”

06. Madonna (Sex Symbol) – “If singing is sexy, then Susan Boyle is way hotter than me,”

05. Barak Obama (POTUS) -  “If I hadn’t smoked pot, I would never have become The President.”

04. Mark Zuckerberg (CEO Facebook) – “Actually, we do think we’re cooler than everybody else.”

03. George W. Bush (Former POTUS) – “If Al Gore could count, I would never have become The President.”

02. Rush Limbaugh (Climate Change Skeptic) – “I think someone turned up the heat in here.”

And the Number One Other Oprah Confession:

01. Oprah (Self) – “My house is worth more than my network.”

Let’s Face It:  It was a watershed moment when Tim Cook apologized for the fact that the maps application, the one thing everyone always uses on a portable device, didn’t work on the new iPhone as well as…well, a map.  It is now absolutely certain that Steve Jobs is dead and the New Apple as a company is humbler, more transparent and even more incompetent. This is good news: If the first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have it, then Apple has finally arrived at the meeting.

While apology is good for the soul, it is extremely rough on sales.  For this reason, we encourage Apple to step up and apologize for all the other things they have done which are apology-worthy.  Do it now, while it still feels good.  Why keep taking the headline hits when you can let it all out in one cathartic breath?

To do our part, as a public service, we took the liberty of asking the crankiest, penny-pinching, most bull-headed, opinionated guy we know (sadly, Steve Jobs wasn’t available) to provide us Apple’s top 10 confession list. Remember, you’re counting on “We’re Sorry” to work for iPhone users, so why not the rest of society?

Of course, a year from now, no one will remember:

The Top Ten Other Things Apple Should Apologize For:

10. Using John Lennon and Mohatma Ghandi in advertising.  Ghandi?  Really?  To sell future industrial waste?  For this act alone, Steve Jobs should be reincarnated as a billboard on the I10 in Texas.  And, he didn’t even use The Pope.

09. That time Aunt Martha’s iPod failed and she had to buy back her entire music collection.  She’s still a little sore about that, but the Spotify subscription helped.

08. Final Cut Pro.  Great strategy: Decimate your competition by lowballing the price of an inferior product.  Drive every vendor to the brink of bankruptcy or beyond, corral the install base, then release even more inferior versions.  Mission accomplished; now say you’re sorry.  And yes, it was at a Final Cut Pro Users Group meeting where I stole that great technical support line “Nothing a reboot won’t cure”.

07. Taking the colors out of the Apple logo.  I know Apple saved a bundle on printing costs with this move, but it’s a little maoist, don’t you think?

06. John Sculley.  Let me get this straight:  A guy that sells colored sugar water is the best qualified man on the planet to lead an innovative high-technology computer company.  On the other hand, Sculley fired Steve Jobs, which, had it stuck, might have prevented the whole “Think Different” nonsense.

05. Decimation of Value.  Once upon a time, 2,000 bucks was something you could buy a crummy car with.  Now, you can buy a crummy laptop with it.

04. Foxconn.  Nothing funny about this monument to Apple’s mastery of economic exploitation.  Does fit with the logo change though…

03. Siri.  Who wants a girl that always listens, never argues and does exactly what you ask?  Apple should apologize for helping us pretend our electronics have personalities.

02. The Computer Mouse.  Yes, I know Jobs stole it from Xerox, but Apple popularized the computer mouse, along with tendonitis, carpal tunnel and those goofy wrist braces.  The mouse also facilitated migration away from the keyboard and along with it, the shift in computers away from requesting something in language to an infantile “point and click”  behavior.  And, isn’t “Drag and Drop” something cavemen did in mating season?

And the Number One Other Thing Apple Should Apologize For:

01. Leading the victory of style over substance.

Let’s face it:  Sometimes the worst approach you can take towards solving a
computer software problem is getting help from the people who wrote the stuff.
Not that they won’t try, but the artifice of logic crumbles more quickly under
the palm of a “Brilliant Expert” than it does in the mouth of a presidential
candidate.  As a user, you are left with the cold, stiff remains of the problem,
that which sits upright occasionally to mock your attempts to eradicate it (“bad
metadata” it says – you take it from here).

The job of tech support can be dreary, answering the same questions over and
over. We apparently break up this monotony by calling in with questions that have
never been posed before. Unfortunately, while they may not have ever heard the
question, oftentimes we will have already heard the answer.

So, as a public service, we are publishing, for the first time ever in public,  this top secret list of things a Help Desk Should Never Say.  Forget any other support performance metric; even one of these is too many.

Consider other options when you hear…

The Top Ten Worst Answers from Technical Support:

10. I can tell you’re upset.

09. Funny, I could never figure that one out either.

08. Nothing a reboot won’t cure.

07. That’s fixed in our next release.

06. What do you think is going on?

05. Two Words: Not Supported.

04. Have you tried doing everything from step one over again?

03. You’ve spent more time on this problem then we spent on the last release.

02. I’m stumped.

And the Number One worst answer from Technical Support:

01. Works for me.